SCOTTISH BALLET: THE RITE OF SPRING AND ELITE SYNCOPATIONS

“An evening of tremendous contrast” is how it was billed, and BOY, they weren’t freaking kidding. From the choice of a shot of black Sambucca or a flute of pink Champagne when we arrived, the scene was set for a game of two very different halves.

First up Christopher Hampson’s brutal Rite of Spring. I was not prepared.

I should have been though, because I was chatting with Ann from Scottish Ballet before curtain up (while shamelessly gorging on giant pretzels) and she warned me that Rite would most likely make me feel “sick, but in a good way.” I don’t know about the good way bit, but I definitely felt a bit queasy by the end.

I don’t mind admitting that the story was, at first, confusing. Two brothers awaken and seem to frolic around, spending a lot of time chasing each other and stopping to pray or perform rituals or “rites.” From the outset it’s clear that one brother is obviously more in control than the other, but then all of a sudden something changes, and some serious shit goes down.

 Hampson’s set is like a concave padded cell, cut off disturbingly half way up the wall creating an uncomfortably low ceiling so as to heighten the claustrophobia. The lack of scenery and context makes the brutal shift in atmosphere all the more disturbing. Things between the brothers get violent. Terrifying. Tragic. And Stravinsky’s relentless score only adds to the tension.

It’s a beautiful but painful assault on the senses. There are some horrible scenes that make it hard to watch – at times it felt to me like the younger brother was less a human and more a tortured animal in a cage – but it’s lifted into enjoyment by incredible choreography. If ever you forget the huge physical and emotional toll ballet takes, Rite will remind you.

After all that, with the audience still reeling, it was time for Elite Syncopations – something just about as far away from the previous billing as I think it’s possible to get.

In Kenneth MacMillan’s romp, the whole company appear on stage in a kind of 1900s music hall, decked out in psychedelic body-skimming costumes by designer Ian Spurling, each one hand-painted and patterned with arrows, or stars and stripes, buttons or bows. The effect is clown like, but just on this side of ridiculous.

A real 12-piece band also appears on stage in the background, similarly outfitted, playing ragtime classics by Scott Joplin and his contemporaries, and it’s a welcome change which really brings the music hall atmosphere to life. There’s a party happening on stage and I want to go.

There was no “story” as such this time, but plenty of LOL moments as the colourful characters flirted with each other and competed for the limelight, with the breathtaking skill of making it all look so bloomin easy.

We took along with us a ballet virgin last night, and I can’t think of a more perfect double bill than this by way of an introduction. Both sides of the ballet coin are expertly and beautifully represented here – one piece haunting, brutal and affecting, the other funny, engaging and uplifting.

The Rite of Spring and Elite Syncopations is on at the Theatre Royal in Glasgow for tonight and tomorrow night only and tickets are still available here: http://www.scottishballet.co.uk/autumn-2013/the-rite-of-spring-and-elite-syncopations.html

I can’t urge you strongly enough to go. GO!

EMMY AWARDS 2012 - RED CARPET

As you probably all know, nothing fills me with glee more than scrutinising the red carpet the morning after an awards ceremony. Lucky for me, then, that last night saw LA play host to the 2012 Emmy Awards.

I always find the Emmys a bit of a weird one. It lacks the drama and clout of the Oscars and Golden Globes and that normally means the slebs can get a bit mixed up about just HOW glam to go. This year though, most went very glam indeed, and although I expected loads of crashing humdingers, boringly, mostly all WERKED IT.

I've organised this one by colour just cos I bloody well can.

YELLOW

Claire Danes - Lanvin

Aww my lovely, preggo Claire Danes! This is a bold-but-beautiful colour and comfortable-looking fit for someone with a bun in the oven like my fictional best pal Claire. If I were being uber picky I'd say it looks like her blow-dry's fallen a bit since she probably had it done hours before, and it could do with some jzoojzing (?!) but I'm NOT that picky, especially when it comes to Claire Danes who can do no wrong whatsoever. Love her. Best dressed of the night.

Kaley Cuoco - Angel Sanchez

Her offa Big Bang looking smug in a yellow peplum number by a designer I've never heard of. Actually I quite like the shape of it despite its fussyness, but it's verging slightly on the mustard side of yellow which is not cool. Not in the slightest. As it is, it's not bad but I think she could do better.  

Julianne Moore - Dior Couture

Love it, love it, LOVE IT! Julianne is another one that really can't do any wrong in my eyes and this is just one more example of why she's so darn fabulous (see previous examples including THAT Bulgari campaign). High neck, long sleeves, sherbet lemon colour - this is how you make a statement. Also, does she ever age?! Naw.

Hannah Simone - Emilio Pucci

Three words spring to mind... BAD PROM DRESS. I love her as Cece on New Girl as well, but I'm afraid Hannah Simone looks utterly terrible here. The single strap thing is weird, the split is too high and too tight across her thigh, there's too much fabric at the bottom and she's got some sort of dirty mark on the front. Also, TAN LINES?! No excuse. Bad effort for someone who's obviously got a bangin' rack and really should know how to show it off by now.

ORANGE RED AND PINK

Ginnifer Goodwin - Monique Lhuillier

Remember the first time Ginnifer Goodwin wore a bright orange frock on the red carpet? Everyone went batshit at how much she rocked what is always a notoriously difficult hue to pull off. But then, remember the second time? And then the third? I'm not exaggerating when I say that this has to be Ginnifer's fourth time (at least) wearing orange to a fancy do and frankly I'm fed up. I mean, YES the styling is perfect with her smoky eye, slicked side-shed, pewter earrings and bag, and strappy Jimmy Choos. But honestly I'm disappointed it's bloody orange! Come on Ginnifer, step it up.

Kat Dennings - J Mendel

Holy breasticles, Batman! Kat Dennings taking full advantage of that old mantra "if in doubt, get them out" in spectacular style. I really like this. Why shouldn't she air out her chebs for the night? No one complains when Christina Hendricks' humungous bosom is all up in everyone's face! I like the drapey nature of the dress but I wish it was a bit more of a vivid red to match her trademark lipstick... But we're not really looking at her lips, are we?

Mayim Bialik - Pamella Roland

Um, no. I'm struggling to find one nice thing to say about this frumpy, fussy, fugly mess. And it's too FRICKIN long! Hello, pet hate. I don't know what's going on with Mayim's Robocop hand either, but she's probably broken something which means I can't be too mean about it other than to say it clashes somewhat with the unnecessarily bling necklace, and to conclude with the opinion that this is a terrible dress and I wish I could unsee it.

Ashley Judd - Carolina Herrera

OH GAHD, it CAN get worse! I don't know why Ashley Judd is looking so self-satisfied here because she's clearly a prize choob. Her Jedwardish hairdoo is the least of her issues, what with that sickly colour of hideous taffeta panelling making me almost vom in my mouth. I hate a halterneck at the best of times, but throw in a pointless diamonique brooch and huge, distracting bow and I'm practically clawing my own eyes out here. Away ye go, Ashley, out my sight.

BLUE AND GREEN

Michelle Dockery - Louis Vuitton

Lady Mary looking every inch the English rose in this gorgeous royal blue shade. For me, this would rival Claire Danes' Lanvin look for best dressed of the night, were it not for the unfortunate creasing around the front bum area. Shame, and totes not her fault. Where is an assistant with a steamer when you need one?

Lena Dunham - Prada

LOLZ. I love Lena Dunham. I know Girls tends to divide opinion, and it's become kind of COOL to slate it with loads of folk describing it along the lines of  "a television program about the children of wealthy famous people and shitty music and Facebook and how hard it is to know who you are and Thought Catalog and sexually transmitted diseases and the exhaustion of ceaselessly dramatising your own life while posing as someone who understands the fundamental emptiness and narcissism of that very self-dramatisation..." But does Lena Dunham look like she cares what you think? No. For the record, I love it and find it UNCOMFORTABLY close to real life, but that's by the by. In this Prada dress Lena is almost unrecognisable as her character Hannah, and she manages to look positively chic AND badass at the same time. No mean feat.

Zooey Deschanel - Reem Acra

Thank God whatever lip filler/plastic surgery Zooey had (and she DID, don't kid yourself) a few months back has died down! She actually looks happy here, and well she might cos she's knocking this look out the park. THIS is what I wanted to see her in at the Golden Globes in January! Sigh. Never mind, she's back to looking cute as a button and I can sort of forgive her for her momentary lapse into self-consciousness. We've all been there.

Julianna Margulies - Giambattista Valli

Some may say there's too much going on here, and I thought that at first myself, but the more I look at this the more it grows on me (lulz, floral pun, what whaaat!). The print is intricate and beautiful, but simplified by the classic cut of the dress. The slicked back do is quite harsh on Julianna's features but I think the earrings soften it and overall it works.

Sofia Vergara - Zuhair Murad

I just honestly don't get this! On all the usual American sites this is being lauded as the winning look of the night with folk falling over themselves going on about how SECKSAY Sofia Vergara is in this bedazzled turquoise frock, which, by the way, has a huge cut out panel on the back so you can practically see ass cleavage. For me this is the HEIGHT of tack. Sofia is always one for the bling and a tonne of slap, but this is an extraordinarily hideous dress to pair with all that additional WAGGYNESS. Also, she's 40. I'd never dispute that she's got a hell of a body for her age, but do I want to see her ass crack? No. Just classless and tacky and horrible.

NEUTRAL

Lucy Liu - Atelier Versace

Finally someone busted out the Atelier Versace! In the absence of Angelina Jolie it was up to Lucy Liu to bring out the big guns. I had hoped it would be my love January Jones to don the coveted AV frock, but Lucy does just as good a job as anyone in this mad silver number. A bit, um, robotic for the Emmys maybe? Perhaps, but I love a risky look and I've missed Lucy Liu on the red carpet cos she really is a stunna. Win.

Connie Britton - Andrew GN

I don't know who you are, Connie Britton, but I feel for you. As a mature lady, halternecks are not your friend (they're NO-ONE'S friend) but especially not in what looks like that horrible jaggy lurex-type fabric or in a wishy-washy silvery grey. Not at ALL.

Christina Hendricks - Christian Siriano

Werk it, werk it, werk it! If it ain't broke don't fix it, and there ain't nothing broke about Christina Hendricks' classic hourglass shape. I really love this champagne colour on Christina as it allows for all the attention on her boobs, hair and lips, and with boobs, hair and lips like those that's where you'd want it to be, right? The belt (a bit of a trend on the night) adds some casual interest at the waist but with Christina it's all about that million-dollar silhouette and she is WERKING IT.

BLACK

Amy Poehler - Stella McCartney

Another wummin I've never heard of in a shiny halterneck. What's going on?! Am I alone in my hatred for them? Nothing really THAT wrong with this look except that I hate halternecks and I'm sick of seeing them. Eeew.

January Jones - Zac Posen

Here she is, my love! Looking drop dead gorgeous in this Gothic Zac Posen showstopper, it's a magnificent return to form for JJ who, after dropping a baba, slightly lost her edge. She's always the one I wait to see on the red carpet because she (more often than not) ALWAYS looks the best, bar none. While I do still love the simplicity of Claire Danes' yellow gown, this look on JJ is a very close second to my favourite of the night, and may just be my fave look on her from the past few awards seasons. I'll never understand why she's so underrated.

Well that was that. Less scope to take the piss as there was at the Teen Choice Awards, and generally everyone did pretty well. I just CAN'T ABIDE a halterneck! Gross! Have I been unfair? Have I missed anyone out? Besides the obvious (Nicole Kidman) cos I couldn't even bear to have the picture on here.

CAPYBARA... NO, WAIT, CHAOPHRAYA

Last Tuesday my pal Jenna and I were invited along to check out Glasgow's newest swanky Thai restaurant, Capybara. I MEAN CHAOPHRAYA. I'm not even joking you guys, I like to think I'm a moderately intelligent gal but you've no idea the issues I have with pronouncing that. I just can't get my mouth around it at all, so be GLAD you're reading this and I'm not actually trying to describe it to you because I've been calling it Capybara whenever anyone's asked. (And just for reference, this a capyabara - the world's largest rodent. Basically a giant rat you could ride like a donkey. *SHUDDER*)

Anyway, yeah, Chaophraya. Here comes the science!

In July 2012, Chaophraya opened Europe’s largest Thai restaurant in Glasgow! Set in one of the city’s most iconic buildings, The Townhouse on Buchanan Street, it will offer guests the ultimate Thai dining experience in a spectacular setting.

With authentic dishes created by award-winning Development Chef, Ron Tammakeysar, diners can enjoy an array of gastronomic delights. There will also be the introduction of an exclusive range of Scottish-Thai fusion dishes which can be followed by a glass of whisky from the restaurant’s extensive collection.

I do love me a free meal - a girl's gotta eat- but ESPECIALLY if it's Thai since that's one of my favourite kinds of foods. I mean, there's not really much I won't eat, but Thai is right up there. We were invited to sample the Thai Tuesday deal which consists of a sharing platter of goodies and a cocktail for £9.99 per person. It was meant to be served in the slightly less formal Palm Sugar Lounge downstairs but we were whisked straight up to the restaurant which is P.O.S.H! I had to actually check cos I figured they'd made a mistake seating us up there (and I think they probably did) but they insisted we could have the Thai Tuesday in the restaurant as well. Which is what we got. Along with two extremely strong and delicious frozen margaritas...

I wore the cosmic Evil Twin dress cos I'm obsessed with it.

The sharing platter was mighty tasty, if a little small. Still worth £9.99 each though, especially given the fact the cocktails alone are £7.50! Our platter was made up of chicken satay, shredded spicy pork, chicken spring rolls, prawn tempura and spicy duck salad. YUM! But I do think it's maybe meant to be more of a lunch or a snack rather than yer actual tea. Plus, yi know, Jenna and I are a pair of absolute munchers, so we also got a portion of the special beef fried rice to share which we ate so fast I couldn't get a photo but it was delish, and then a flowering tea each too.

Before we went I'd read some lukewarm reviews about slow service but we had no issues like that at all. In fact our waitress, whose name I've now STUPIDLY FORGOTTEN like an eejit, was extra lovely and accommodating, as was the girl at the front desk who gave us this wee bow as we walked in. CUTE!

Overall we would both give it a solid 8/10. The main menu is quite pricey for a pauper like me, but the Thai Tuesday deal is definitely worth a tenner, the service is great, the surroundings are totally lush and the food is scrummy. BOOM, there's yer dinner. (Literally.)

Chaophraya is located on the corner of Nelson Mandela Sq and Buchanan Street on the opposite corner to Urban Outfitters, next to the underground. If you live in Glasgow or are visiting, you should definitely check it out.

TEEN CHOICE AWARDS: FASHION WINS AND FAILS

I kind of hate to admit it but these sorts of posts are my favourite... That makes me sound like SUCH a bitch, right? Whatevs, the heart wants what it wants, and mine wants to slag slebs.

Sunday saw the return of the Teen Choice Awards and as usual there were some full-on fashion HUMDINGERS...

Cases in point:

FAILS

I'm sorry, but Selena Gomez really creeps me out you guys. Face of a five-year-old, body of a teen - it's JUST WEIRD. Besides that, this is a bad dress. It's a horrific colour, super boring and too tight round her middle. No jewellery? Really? Did you have ten minutes to get ready Selena, cos that's what it looks like.

You know, I really want to like Demi Lovato. She seems pretty down to earth, she's had a hard time of it lately and God love her if she isn't trying REALLY hard to rock this ridiculous dress. I really don't know what to say... I mean, I like her hair and her shoes but the insane dress is totally overpowering her. Shame.

 

What the...? No. Is this dress from Coast? Turquoise taffeta?? And those two wee braids, I literally remember wearing my hair like this for the entirety of primary 7, and Nina this isn't a good thing - especially when you already look totes wimpy and childlike. BLAH in the extreme.

I think it's the 90s hairdo more than anything else that ruins this look for me. If Carly had put it up in a topknot, ditched those shoes for something strappy and thrown away that hideous clutch it might have worked. As it is she looks like someone's moderately-attractive Mom. (Also, hunchback much?)

Surely Taylor Swift isn't wearing something cream, flowy and bridal on the red carpet again?! Oh, she is? YAAWWWWWWWWWWWN.

Zooey Deschanel's face. Can we all just take a minute to talk about the BLATANT plastic surgery she's had done here? Those lips... That creepy stare... What happened to everyone's favourite kooky, lovable girl-geek? Seriously, have a look at this site for the close ups and before and after pics. Anyone with EYES can see she's had something injected into her lips, and I don't think this is new either - I've been saying for ages that on New Girl they've slowly been getting bigger and bigger. Utterly shameful, she was gorgeous before. I'm super disappointed in her and I've lost any respect I used to have for her whole quirky-girl image thing.  So, aye, nice dress Zooey but take yer collagen and bolt.

I don't know why Kendall and Kylie are looking so smug in these boring dresses. Navy blue? Maroon? High-necked? NO. Also, I'm sorry Kylie but those extensions are out of control...

JoJo stopped by on her way to Sugar Cube! Seriously, this is JoJo. Remember her?! I'm kind of ashamed to say I do... Who will randomly pop up next, Stacy Orrico? Vanessa Carlton? Lolz! God, takes me back... I guess she must be relevant now, maybe in some kind of teen drama that I've not heard of because I'm an old wummin, but I'll always remember her from the days of Leave (Get Out) circa 2003. Good times! Anyway, JoJo's skirt is ho-bag short and she looks like she's about to beat me up. I guess it's not THAT offensive though, the more I look at it. But maybe ease up on the black dye-job and get yer split ends trimmed.

Holy crap, Jordin Sparks, is this a bad beach cover-up? The black is too harsh, it's too short and too low cut (always one or the other, duh!) and why the purple shoes? What's that all about?

Thankfully though, there were some who managed to pull the whole horrible thing back from the brink of fashion oblivion...

WINS

BIGGEST SHOCK EVER! A photo of KStew looking at least MILDLY comfortable in her own skin, absolutely rocking that patterned blazer and pointy stilettos. Genuinely never thought she had it in her, well done pal!

Lea Michelle always leans for the slightly slutty and we just need to let her get on with it. Let's face it, we all know a girl like this, and it's not fair to hate just cos she loves to get her legs oot and slap on the tan. This is actually a really nice dress which fits her perfectly, plus I like her loose waves, pared down makeup and side parting. Overall, a win - possibly her first.

Love this because it's sort of fugly. It probably shouldn't work at all - olive green, sicky yellow and brown? But, I have to admit, on zoe Saldana's skin tone these colours look fantastic. Also, it's a brave wummin (or an extremely thin one) who is comfortable adding volume round the hips and ass, but Zoe gets away with it because she's so waif-like.

Whoever you are, I love the colour of your dress. I'm a huge fan of orange on the red carpet and this is the right way to rock an extremely tricky colour. Interesting neckline, relaxed hair and gold accessories. I like.

Arty, you're WALKING!!!! OK, no, but seriously, I love Kevin McHale's swag! Must take some balls to wear this, I mean it's a bit random, but just look at his wee face, he knows he's got it. In my opinion it's the shoes that make it.

This probably shouldn't even really be here since I'm kind of indifferent to the outfit, but I'm sort of a little bit maybe slightly IN LOVE WITH DARREN CRISS, so, whatever. He's a win. Also, his baby blue watch and pink sunnies make my heart happy. As does his grin... And his hair...

The ultimate of ultimate fashion WINS and WINS IN GENERAL. The return of No Doubt! Every single thing about this ensemble look is perfect, but in particular Gwen's sunnies and sleeveless jacket. Does she age at all? SHE IS FORTY FREAKING TWO you guys! What a woman. What a band. What a performance! The song I'm a little undecided about but still, who cares, they are amazing and that's that.

And here's one of my faves from Tragic Kingdom just for a wee Suicide Tuesday treat :)

NO, I SAID WHAT KIND OF BIRD...ARE YOU?

BEFORE I GO FREAKIN' NUTS , let me just explain that my Portugal blog containing at least 20 perfectly-resized and edited pics, and several paras of flowery description and colourful banter, which by the way took me OVER AN HOUR to write, HAS DISAPPEARED FROM BLOGGER with no explanation!

I can't actually face going through it all and re-writing it again at the moment, so that post will just have to be delayed until this overwhelming, totally-justified feeling of INTENSE RAGE subsides.

In an effort to quell my extreme frustration, I'm instead posting this - my old faithful backup post (of which I normally have a few kicking about) which happens to feature the trailers to three films I'm absolutely DYING TO SEE.

So, yes, a little random, but run with it.

Moonrise Kingdom



The reasons to expect great things from this are numerous: Wes Anderson directs, Roman Coppola co-writes, pastel 60s colour palette, pre-pubescent love and heartbreak, TILDA SWINTON, swoon-worthy aesthetics, nuanced comedy, Bill Murray, dreamy soundtrack, TILDA SWINTON... Gahd, I can feel my earlier rage ebbing away already - surely the sign of an awesome film?


Prometheus



I don't know how you could watch that and NOT be wetting yourself with excitement! Ohhh, I do love me an epic sci-fi romp and who better to provide it than the man who gave us both Alien and Blade Runner - the former of which was actually on last night and is STILL as shockingly powerful as ever. Reviews of this are mixed so far, but, in the words of Cheryl Cole, this looks to be RIGHT OOP MA STREET. Plus, yi know, Fassbender...


The Great Gatsby



Ah, now we come to my most anticipated film, POSSIBLY ever. If ever anyone asks me to name my favourite book, Gatsby is never far from my lips. As a former English Literature student, this is perhaps more than a bit of a cliche since we all studied it at some point, and it's over-exposure in schools and universities can mean that it's subtle themes and famous quotes now sometimes feel unfairly trite and obvious. But regardless of its notoriety it is still one of the most wonderfully written books that exists - to read it is to delight and marvel in the power and beauty of language. FOR REALZ. BAH I could write an essay here, BUT I WON'T I promise!

Anyhoo, when I heard last year that Baz Luhrmann was directing a remake of the pretty poor Mia Farrow/Robert Redford original, I was SCARED! Him off of Moulin Rouge and Romeo + Juliet (both of which I love by the way, but I'm a slave to a love story and gaudy aesthetics) would surely ruin my beloved Gatsby and trample all over its subtleties, quiet tension and inner monologuing... right? Because that's where the beauty of Gatsby lies - in the things unsaid. In Nick's poignant observations of Jay and Daisy, in the rich description of complex emotions, the unhurried sensitivities of language and the hints at a shared pain which lie dormant in all of us...Regret. Entrapment. Inevitability. Loss. How could him that gave us a singing Ewan McGregor be able to express all that?

Well of course, he can't. The film is NOT the book, merely a representation. It'll never capture all the things I love about the book and it's frankly absurd to expect it to. But believe me, it's so hard to remind myself of that! Anyway, so far the trailer actually looks pretty promising. I'm warming to the casting of Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay and ESPECIALLY love Carey Mulligan as Daisy since she is a fantastic actress and looks very much how I always imagined Daisy to look, so yay for me! That being said, I DETEST the use of No Church in the Wild in the first half depicting the Roaring Twenties. THAT'S HARD TO ADMIT because, come on now, it's a tune and a half! Seriously, the whole Watch the Throne album is amazeballs but this track in particular is up there as one of the best on it. But for me it just doesn't work. I know the yoof might need something current to relate to since this is, after all, a period film, but the visuals are contemporary enough, surely? I don't know, it's an issue for me. Jack White's cover of Love is Blindness works well enough since it somewhat matches the drama thematically, but, I don't know... It might still go a bit wrong mightn't it? We'll see. Roll on Christmas anyway!



What films are you guys excited for this year? Any I've missed out?